I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
