my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.