I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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