that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
