When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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