I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
