There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I have aggressive nipples.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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