cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Everclear isn't food dammit
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