im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
