Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
