Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
