Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
