I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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