i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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