If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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