I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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