So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
