Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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