someone threw a dead crab at me
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
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This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
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There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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