just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
