Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
