my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
