the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
