I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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