I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
