I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
