Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
