I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
