she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
