This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It's blow job season.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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