He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
