oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My liver just had a heart attack.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
