I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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