Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
