I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
