Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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