hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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