She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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