Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
you had me at cake vodka
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
