If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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