Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
