Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
