I showed him my bush... on skype.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
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he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
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Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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