It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
