I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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