I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Someone came in the potted fern
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
