I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
