you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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