This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
