I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
