I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
