my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
