dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
