The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
