he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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