Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
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